You And Your Beautiful Soul
by Peter James
Summary: Remus thinks that he will hide his love inside forever, pretending to smile while he wants to scream as Sirius falls in love with someone else. But perhaps things are not always as they seem, and people do not realize what is most important until we have


**Pairing: Remus/Sirius (is there any other?)**

**Rating: PG for some mild sensuality.**

**Warnings: Homosexuality, some mild language.**

**Author's Notes: VIVE SIRIUS BLACK! I have spoken. We hate J.K. Rowling. The Marauders (me and four of my best friends) plan to lynch her when she finishes the seventh Harry Potter book. Or at least sue her for the millions of broken hearts that she has caused and the destruction of a bond between four of the best characters ever created. Down with Jo! Down with Jo! :) Uh... this most certainly is not my best writing. It hasn't been edited at all, and is in first format. Kind of a gush of mixed-up nonsense. But oh well. 'S just a little piece of crap, if anyone cares to read it. **

**You And Your Beautiful Soul**

_**I don't want another pretty face,**_

_**Don't want just anyone to hold,**_

_**I don't want my love to go to waste,**_

_**I want you and your beautiful soul**_

_**-from 'Beautiful Soul'**_

I could not have asked for more. Nothing that my life had laid before me had been so wonderful, so forgiving. It was fulfilling in a way that I had never known. Only this, these boys, that smile mattered. I was caught in a dizzying intoxicated reality, where the world turned to spun sunshine and I woke each morning without that gnawing sense of dread that had haunted my hours for so many years. I felt wanted, accepted, and protected. Three things which had been as absent as my harrowed parents in my childhood. I did not tread on eggshells now, teetering precariously between who I was and who I thought the world wanted me to be. I was just me. Just Remus. And they loved me for it.

I loved them, all of them, enough to sell my soul if they should ask it of me.

* * *

"Ouch, that hurts." I gasped. 

"M'furry." Was the answer, as my companion attempted to converse round a mouthful of pins that he was determined not to drop.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Mm-hm." Sirius replied, his eyebrows drawn together in an expression of intense concentration.

"If you poke me again, I promise to tell you to go to hell and leave."

I didn't mean it, of course, but I wanted to have some sort of control over the situation. I drew in a sharp breath as he poked me a second time.

"O-w!"

Sirius muttered something, which sounded suggestive of an apology though it was impossible to be sure.

"You two still at that?" Asked a voice with a heavy Cockney accent.

I said nothing, for fear of being impaled if I moved my ribcage.

"Sirius, I think the point of robes is to be loose." James continued, strutting in with a smirk on his lips.

"Not necessarily. They come in all–ouch!–forms, don't they?" I replied.

"Yeah, I s'ppose. I always liked the ones that are all mysterious, meself."

"They give you the charm that you lack." I teased.

James regarded me haughtily behind his spectacles, hazel eyes hiding barely contained laughter.

"Poke 'im again, Sirius. I think he needs it."

Sirius grinned, his teeth gritted to keep the pins inside as hewinked at me, silently communicating that he was going to be defiant. I petted his mussed dark hair fondly.

"'M getting' dethroned, eh?" James groused.

"Don't be such an alarmist, Prongs. You still hold office over all of your poor abused underlings."

"Budge uh r'iddle, 'ou." Sirius commanded, tapping my back with the blunt end of a pin.

I took this to mean I was supposed to straighten my spine, and complied carefully.

"I told you not to do this, Siri. How're you going to sew it?"

"He isn't. Clarissa is. OW!"

"Shurry." Sirius grunted.

At the mention of his first and apparently very beloved girlfriend, Sirius had been careless and all but stabbed me.

"I hate you." I pouted moodily.

My best friend rolled his eyes, not at all convinced.

"Si, are you done yet?" Called a soft, feminine voice from the doorway to the dormitory.

"Almost." James answered for him.

"Don't you dare get clumsy just because she's nearby." I warned.

"Is he being terrible?" Clarissa asked gently, appearing in the doorway.

"I think he has made it his new mission in life to turn me into a porcupine."

Clarissa smiled, shaking her head in a way that caused her long wheat-colored hair to shiver over her shoulders.

"Silly boys. Let me help."

I was not entirely comfortable with her impending close proximity, but I hid it behind the well-maintained mask of meekness that I upheld when in public.

Clarissa Brook was beautiful. The most beautiful girl in school, by general male consensus. She was intelligent, she was sweet as wild honey, she was social... and she was difficult to snare. It was no wonder that Sirius had chosen her among all the others competing for his attention. For years, Sirius had been completely oblivious to the female gender. They were just... not important to him. Even if these qualities were of no apparent use to him, he was unfailingly charming and loud, not to mention breathtakingly handsome. The girls began following him with their eyes sometime during First Year, but he did not seem to realize this. He was the quintessential boy, and he didn't date at all. However, during the summer of the coming Sixth Year, that changed. While in Diagon Alley during a visit to James' home in early July, for the first time he came upon the knowledge that girls were attractive. This realization began a quest for a girlfriend that would leave me sad and far behind. Nine months later, he found what he had been searching for. Clarissa was all too eager to pair with him, becoming the other half of a much-sought-after couple. I didn't like her at all.

"Oh Honey, you are too skinny." Clarissa said while she looked me over, a gentle reprimand as she took over Sirius' task.

I pretended to smile, though I inwardly winced at her pet name.

When first she had met me, she had boldly ran her fingers through my hair and told me that it looked like honey. Thus, the nickname had been mine with her ever since. I had blanched, while Sirius scowled at me jealously. But Clarissa didn't notice. She had the world at her feet, so why should I not love her too? I didn't... or rather, couldn't.

"Sirius, you clumsy git. How many times did you poke him?" She demanded presently.

"Lots." I offered, smirking at my offended friend over top Clarissa's yellow head.

"Shush, you!" Sirius grumped at me.

I stilled, worrying that Clarissa was going to poke me as well. But I didn't feel a thing with her deft hands moving.

"Alright, I think I can do the charm now."

"Just don't sew me to this wretched robe." I requested.

Clarissa laughed, her voice like the tinkling of a bell. I decided that I did not like that sound, either. It was too perfect and high-pitched. Not like Sirius' bark, or James' snigger. Even Peter's soprano shriek. Her laugh was insincere and lacking in imperfections.

Muttering a word that I didn't care to recall, Clarissa waved her slender birchwood wand. I jerked in surprise as I felt the back of my blasted dress-robes come firmly together, and the scatter of pins as they dropped to the floor.

"Wa-la!" Clarissa chirped.

I let out a breath, feeling free at last of threatening metal needles and the unsteady fingers that wielded them.

"Is this better, Monsuier Fashion?" I asked, turning to Sirius.

Sirius was staring at me a little too fixedly, which made me wonder if something was wrong.

"Padfoot, mate, you look speechless." James teased the silent Sirius, winking at me.

Clarissa was glancing between Sirius and I, as if doing some quick thinking.

I was beginning to feel flush from the way I was being stared at, and self-consciousness was creeping up to bite my arse again.

"Do I look alright or no?" I demanded of my best friend.

"You look... great." He answered at length.

I beamed.

"Good enough to take me to the ball too?"

Sirius laughed, arising from his strange stupor.

"Of course, moonchild! In fact, I think I'll even trade Clarissa for you!" He joked.

I saw a flash of a pout on Clarissa's face, but her nice character won over and she laughed too.

"Oh, but then whatever shall I do? Go as a bachlorette?" She asked playfully.

"No, you can go with poor lonely Peter." I said, feeling a slight bitterness toward her that I felt instantly guilty about.

Clarissa made a face, none too keen on the notion of accompanying short, fat little Peter Pettigrew.

"Go take a look at yourself in the mirror." James said pointedly.

I was taken aback at his mildly demanding tone, but I realized that Sirius seemed to have taken the opportunity of the moment to begin whispering sweet nothings in Clarissa's ear. Fighting against a flash of savage anger from the demon caged inside me, I complied and went to see how this altering of my dress-robes had come out.

Looking in the mirror, I had to admit that it looked much better than its former condition. Being as thin as I was, many of my clothes hung on me due to their second-hand state. We had altered my dress-robes for the horrible ball. The once-enormous pale yellow garment was now snug in the entire abdominal area to taper outward near my hips, and the back was now splayed with an orange-yellow thread pattern that reminded me of shafts of sunlight. I liked it, and it actually did look flattering on me. There had to be some way to make something look good on a pale waif, and Clarissa had managed to make it so. I had never liked her, but I was grateful for the moment this had brought when I thought that maybe, just maybe, Sirius had liked what he saw.

I heard Clarissa giggle somewhere behind me, the gleeful noise made by a girl being snuggled by her boyfriend. I glared at my reflection briefly, allowing myself a moment of pain before I hid everything once more under the serene mask.

"No snogging in the dorms." I scolded, rounding on the tangled teens and the passively observing James.

Sirius, his cheeks pink and pale eyes bright as polished opal, grinned. He had no idea how I wanted to weep at the sight of him so contently wound in Clarissa Brook's arms.

* * *

Love, I decided, was awful. Simply miserable. I almost wished that I could bring myself to hate Sirius, but beneath the bitter exterior of my mind I knew that this was selfish and unfair. And I could never hate him, after all. I should be content with his happiness. If I truly loved him, I could teach myself to take his joy for a blessing. Yes, I would redouble my efforts to scour all childish jealousy from my thoughts. 

"Remus?"

I turned toward the voice, surprised.

"Padfoot? What are you doing out here?"

He emerged from the shadows of the trees, coming to stand beside me as I watched the unmoving surface of the lake.

"I got bored. 'S too stuffy in there." He explained.

"Doesn't Clarissa miss you?" I asked, though I hardly cared to hear the answer.

He shrugged.

"I hate to admit it, but I got tired of her making eyes at me while we danced."

I laughed softly, able to perfectly imagine this.

"I'm not one for balls, either."

"Why didn't you just ask me to keep you company?" He queried after a moment of silence. "I would have been happy to excuse myself early."

I shook my head, watching the moonlight play over the surface of the lake. I couldn't bear to look at Selene, even in her wanton smallness. Wanton. Like me. Irony was my god.

"Moony."

"Hm?" I answered, wanting him to hold me and wishing he would leave all at once.

"You don't like her, do you?"

"Who?" I countered innocently.

"Clarissa."

"What isn't to like?" I replied in the falsely even voice that came from my throat whenever I was hiding something.

I had always been a skilled liar. I had to be, with my curse. But I could never deceive Sirius. Never.

"You hate her. I don't know why, but you do. I can see it."

"I'm jealous of Clarissa. I admit it." I said calmly.

"Why?" He asked, and there was a n expectant note to his words.

"Because... because she has what I have always wanted. You."

"You... want me?" Sirius asked, his pale pearly eyes wide in disbelief.

"Mm-hm." I was trembling, my fingers twisting together in front of me as I fought to control my emotions.

"But... me?"

"Need I repeat myself? Yes. You." I said, staring fixedly at the rippling of the water.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" He murmured.

"To what purpose? What good would it have done?"

"I would have _known_."

"Yes. And I would have ran away."

He said nothing, but his bowed head told me that he knew it was true. I hesitated, but resolved to plunge completely over the edge. What is the good of setting one foot over the cliff and wind-milling against gravity, if you do not intend to fall?

"It took me so long to figure that out, but it is the core of my yearning. I used to look at you, and I would think 'I'd fall in love forever if I could only find someone like that'. Eventually, I came to realize that it _was_ you I had fallen in love with. Whenever you touched me, I felt such peace, a joyful completion that matched nothing else. I want to touch you at all times, to feel that warmth spreading through my veins. I want to make you smile that wonderful grin. I would do anything... anything just to know you are happy. Even if it meant crucifying myself." I raked a hand through my hair, anxious as my companion contemplated all of this with a brooding expression.

"How long have you felt like this?" He asked.

"I'm not sure. It seems forever. Constant."

"And that's why you don't like Clarissa."

"No. I would be happy as long as you are, but she doesn't deserve you. You are unlike anyone I have ever met, Sirius. You should find yourself someone remarkable. Someone who loves you."

"I already have." He said firmly.

I shook my head helplessly.

"I'm sorry. I am. I want you to be happy. If you want her, go to her. If not, keep looking."

His fingers folded around mine, nearly causing the smallness of my own to be eclipsed within the gentle embrace of hands.

"You really are stupid sometimes, Moony." He murmured.

"I can't help not understanding you. You can be completely confusing sometimes." I answered with a weak smile.

I was being swallowed by the shards of moonshine that were my best friend's eyes, as if I had been dropped into a roiling sea made of stars determined to drown me. Stop, Sirius, I can't hold on any longer, if it means holding back. As if reading my thoughts, Sirius stared intensely at me.

"Shut up, Remus Lupin. You're naïve as hell."

Strong brown fingers found my chin, tilting it upward to meet with the pair of lips that sought my own. My eyes closed on instinct, my entire being welcoming the first hesitant kiss, and the deeper one that followed.

If starlight had a taste, it would be the same as Sirius' kisses.

I knew that my lips were chapped, and that I was at a loss as to how I should respond to his tender ministrations, but it did not seem to matter. We were kissing for love, not physical pleasure, and that alone obliterated all else that could be called unpleasant. Everything. Nothing mattered and everything was important.

My hands found his shoulders, and his arms my waist, pulling one another close until the world seemed to be made of warm skin and wet mouths dancing together. My mind lay dormant, completely silent and shrouded by cushions of bliss.

All too soon, I eased away, my sensible feelings returning to my consciousness.

"What about Clarissa? I don't want you to do this because you feel obligated." I said, ignoring the heat that had spread lower into my body and the burning of my kiss-swollen lips.

Sirius smiled, brushing that ever-errant lock of hair from my eyes.

"I'm not, Moony. I love you, but if all I felt was friendship I would not love you enough to do this."

His mouth met with mine again, and I was falling into a pleasant oblivion where nothing negative could touch me. The world was fading into distant fog around me, and I didn't care a bit. I heard someone make a small helpless noise in the back of their throat, and realized it was me. I was melting and soaring and drowning simultaneously, all because of a kiss. Sirius' kiss.

It was he that broke the contact this time. I kept my eyes tightly shut for a heartbeat longer, branding the way it had felt into my memory.

"Remus." His thumb brushed over my lips softly, causing me to open my eyes.

I felt dazed, but more alive than I ever had.

"I think I had the same problem that you did, but I just didn't realize what I was really after." Sirius confided.

"I thought you loved Clarissa?"

"No. That's the problem. I never did. I tried to _make_ myself love her, I thought she was all that I wanted. But all I really liked was her prettiness, and her smile. She smiles like you do, and that was the first thing I noticed about her."

"Really? I never realized." I said absently. "But why would you want to give her up? She is the perfect girl for your tastes. You would be happy with her eventually."

"No." He shook his head at my insistence.

Cradling my face in his hands, he drew close and stared hard into my eyes. I swallowed, calming my nerves with the remembrance that this was the boy I loved. My dearest friend.

"They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Yours are hard to read, but I've learned. You're kind, you love children and teaching. You're afraid of losing things that most people take for granted. You can devote all your time and energy to making people feel good about themselves without a hesitant thought. You'd rather give everything up to protect those you love than keep it and endanger them. You put up with far too much from James and Peter and I, just because you care. You may think that you are evil and dark inside, but you can't tell what a box looks like from inside it. You are beautiful."

I closed my eyes, biting my lower lip to hold back the tears that I had long ago decided to forsake.

"I love you, Sirius." I whispered.

"I love you too, Moony. Open your eyes."

I obeyed. His pale gaze bore into me, shattering barriers and exploring every crevice of my heart. My fingers rose to lie against his wrist, holding onto him as if he were the last thing that mattered. Maybe he was.

We were breathing the same air, I taking in what he exhaled. Into my blood he went, until the oxygen was consumed by my inner workings. Sirius, whom I had loved for as long as I had known him. I wondered what my eyes said, because he smiled so lovingly and tucked a hank of hair behind my ear.

Leaning close enough to kiss me once more, he whispered words I had only heard in the aching dreams that I forgot upon waking.

"Listen to me, my love. Right now, when I look here, I see you. I don't want anyone else, Remus John Lupin."

The first tear I had shed in ten years fell slowly down my cheek.

"No one. Just you and your beautiful soul."

_**FIN **_


End file.
